12.15.2010

Feelings About Things

Let me start off by saying, "Welcome to my pity party."

Now, I was just trying to type myself a bio, but then I remembered that my life isn't all that interesting. I've had aspirations throughout my life just like any other human being, but I feel like I'm getting too old, I'm not smart enough, and my interests are so scattered that I can't follow just one dream of mine. It sucks feeling stuck like this. I wonder if I had been encouraged more to do particular things from my family and friends if I would have been happy with where I'm at and what I've done. I will take one negative comment, and then everything will suddenly disappear from my mind as if it had never been a desire in the first place. Like I'm admitting defeat before even trying. I'm good at being a vegetarian, but you can't make a career out of that. I can sing, but I'm too old to try out for American Idol, and even if I had there are many better singers out there than me. I can design things in my mind, and sometimes on paper, but I can't sew and I don't know who on earth would buy my designs, or how to go about doing such a thing.

I remember Amanda writing about her knowing at a very young age that she wanted to be an author and that she had finally made it, and at that very moment, my heart lunged into my gut and I realized that when I was 5, I cared about boys and things that were beautiful and that was basically it. When I was 7, I told my mom I wanted to be a lawyer and she told me that lawyers are dishonest and no one liked them. When I was 12 I wanted to be an architect, but I hate math and I doubt that I'm that creative. When I was 15 I wanted to be a rock star. I still do, but I know it's next to impossible.

Also, I'm in love with humanity and when I think about things that I want to do that I have a talent for, I've always shoved it aside if one of my friends or family were pursuing that dream first. I don't want to compete with my loved ones for the same thing. I couldn't do that to them. You know, steal their dreams.

Now, I want to go to school for something my dreams are begging for, but like I said, I feel like I'm getting too old. I would consider architecture, or something that I have a natural talent for, but I don't feel like those talents are strong enough, and I HAVE to wait until I'm finished with school for what I'm attending now so that I can make money to support my own ass. I don't want to depend on my husband and student loans all my life. I don't want to be so far in debt.

Yes, I'm a jealous person. I'm jealous of everyone's success. I kind of wish I had a second chance at life, and a LOT more time, but if I ever want kids...I feel like I will never be as successful as I've always dreamed of being. I'm almost 30! I have 3 years left until I need to start considering children. I don't want my kids to have the "old mom" of the class. But maybe I don't want kids. I mean, I feel a lot of pressure from some people around me to have kids, but I never thought I would be a very good mom. I'm really selfish and I have a short temper. But I want to name a little girl Mae Anberlin Emery. It's the best name EVER! Her initials would be the same as her whole first name, and her whole name is made up of Christian rock bands. But also, I'm worried if I did have kids, I would have a boy first and I really only want one kid. I would adopt a child, but every time I think about adopting kids, I get this crushing feeling in my gut that I could only love someone that came from me and Gregg with that kind of...kinship. It wouldn't be the same. I want one girl of my own or nothing at all.

Oh, this conundrum I've gotten myself into. How will I ever straighten this out?

I'm actually sad now.

2 comments:

  1. I know I don't see you very much anymore, but it's funny because just the other day, I was throwing away a popcan, and I was thinking, "Val would recycle this," and then I thought how I really need to recycle more. And I thought about how neat you've turned out. When we were in high school, you were boy crazy (we both were), and you always cared about the world and what not, but you've turned that caring into action, which is something I've never been able to do. And a lot of times, I think about how I wish that I could be more like you, because you're always doing good things for the people you care about it. I look at your life and see it as a success. Because you have and do a lot of things that you really wanted.

    You love so much, and I think that's why it's hard for you to narrow it down to one career path, because how could you ever settle on only one dream and when there's so much you love and want?

    I've always felt you were better at most things than me, too. You're prettier, you sing better, you're a much better drawer, your handwriting is fantastic, you're more organized, you got married first, and you have more follow through.

    And here's something else you don't know: Sometimes, I talk about having kids, and a lot of times I talk about what will happen to things when I die. (If both Eric and I die, BTW, you're getting Elroy, because I think you're the only people that would love and handle him).

    But anyway, if I have children, and I die, I would want you to get them. Obviously, I would discuss it with you and circumstances would vary - but I would WANT you. Because I wouldn't have to worry. I know that they'd always be loved and cared for and they would be allowed to be as quirky and fun as they wanted to be. I know that they would be loved.

    And I'm not saying that to contradict your feelings on adoption. Because adoption is different than inheriting a child.

    So I think you're thinking at this wrong. Maybe you're career isn't exactly where you'd hoped it would be. But there is no one in the world that I know that has more love than you.

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  2. Thank you for the kind words, Amanda. I really appreciate them. I am still boy crazy. I always will be. Boys are cute and neat. Also, just because I got married first, doesn't mean that it was the right decision. It wasn't necessarily the wrong decision, but who will ever know?

    It's true that I love a lot of things, and I love the hell out of them. I was just sad that you can't make a career out of loving things.

    I would be honored to take Elroy or your children, or both. That is different than adoption.

    But also, our moms love lots too. Mine and yours. Mine pretends she doesn't, but I know she does. She just loves certain things more than others.

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